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What Do You Think About The Begining of This Story?

I was wondering what you thought of this story so far, please be honest, thanks! The computer made a soft hum as Blaire typed away at the black keys. Today was Kin, so she had to send Kinmil to all of her friends. Her eyelids slowly drooped over her opaque eyes, begging for sleep; but she knew better than to listen to them. With effort, she opened her eyes back up, asking herself if she had activated it. She waited for a moment then heard the dreaded voice coming from the silver speaker above her, answering her question. “Activation for H2O” the metal voice chimed as she tried to block herself with her lunch tray, but it was too late. The icy blow of water smacked her right in the face, numbing her cheeks momentarily. Finally it came to a cease and she looked to see what damage had been done. Her books were fine, the waterproof covers she bought at break time protected them from getting drenched in the water. Her metal table now had a small puddle on it, but that could be easily wiped away. She inspected her computer for a drop of water, grateful not to find any. With a sigh of relief, she quickly finished off her mils and pressed a silver button. “Permission for camera to be turned off while I sleep?” she spoke into the speaker adjacent to the one on the ceiling . She waited for a moment, hopeful that her little “nap” wouldn’t have more severe consequences besides the spray of water. “Permission not granted, camera will be off for ten minutes.” the metal voice chimed and she heard a quick bing, indicating the timer had started and camera was off. Quickly she tore off her clothes, then entered 345 into the glowing number pad next to the huge silver doors. They slowly slid open and she walked into the white bathroom. She turned the silver knob waiting for a familiar gurgle. At last she heard it, and the water gushed out into the tub. Blaire pushed down the silver knob and the gushing stopped, now the water sprayed from the colorless shower head. Briskly washed, then pulled the knob out, stopping the flow. “Five minutes remaining.” Blaire heard from the speaker. She pulled her night clothes on in a hurry, then inspected herself in the mirror, looking for imperfections. She had none, her cream colored skin was flawless. Blaire grabbed a brush on top of the counter and briskly ran it through her long, dark honey hair. She cleaned up the room, then entered 543 into the glowing number pad beside her, opening the doors. Now that she was out of the steamy room, the cold air hit her unexpectedly; now reminding her that she forgot to turn the heater on. She immediately bolted under the dark blue comforter on her bed. Blaire let the warmth surround her as she fell into a dreamless sleep as she heard a bing, letting her know the camera was back on and the light was turned off.

Public Comments

1. Interesting premise! Will there be more?
2. Did you write this? It's very interesting, I can't wait to read more!! You must have taken some writing courses.
3. Very nice...You have the ability to write stories.
4. It's really good!Type some more in later i want to know more!
5. Nothing new or exciting in your writing. Hum rum. almost boring. Hopefully you have a good day job.
6. very promising I will buy it if it becomes a real book, contact me please for any help and tell me more sourpatchgirl_00@yahoo.com don't listen to anyone who tells you otherwise. You have talent
7. I'm liking this a lot. The only thing I have to say is that towards the end, it gets a bit tiring reading "Blaire" or "she" - maybe you could link the sentences so you don't have to write the words too much. I don't think that is much criticism though, reading "she" a few times isn't so bad. ;) I like how it is (to me, at least) mysterious as I don't know where exactly she is or what is going on, which makes an intriguing story. A continuation would be nice! Oh and and and the description is really good. Great work. =D
8. I loved it - can you send me more? Cinnamn112@gmail.com